To improve your marriage -- be quiet - CNN.com

By Barbara Graham (Oprah.com)
Forget everything you've heard about frankness, sharing your feelings, getting him to express his. New research into the male mind makes it clear that discussion may be the fastest way to shut down communication. (Oh, you noticed that, have you?)
Men see discussion of "issues" as criticism and feel shamed, author says.

Men see discussion of "issues" as criticism and feel shamed, author says.

When I first heard about the book, I thought it was a gimmick. "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" sounded like a title somebody's prankster husband dreamed up after a rocky couples' therapy session.

When I mentioned it to Hugh, my own husband -- who in 22 years of marriage has never once said, "Honey, we need to talk" -- his face lit up like the Fourth of July.

Needless to say, I was suspicious. What about the vast repertoire of communication skills women have spent decades perfecting? Were Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, the psychotherapists who co-authored the book, advising us to forget everything we've learned and rethink how we relate to our partners?

The answer is yes -- and they're not kidding.

"The number one myth about relationships is that talking helps. The truth is, more often than not, it makes things worse," says Love, a tall, lean redhead with a down-home Texas twang and a generous smile. She is co-founder of the Austin Family Institute and leads workshops around the country when she isn't making television appearances or co-writing books, including the best-selling "Hot Monogamy."

"Talking about feelings, which is soothing to women, makes men physically uncomfortable," says Stosny, the Maryland-based author of "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" and an expert on male aggression. "There's literally more blood flow to their muscles. They get fidgety, and women think they're not listening."
Full article

Sent from my BlackBerry